Charlton Heston and Eleanor Parker star in the 1954 creature feature, The Naked Jungle. As a teen, I bought a wallet that had a picture of Parker inside it. She wasn't naked, nor was there a jungle in the background. I kept that picture in my wallet, since it would be years before my nerdiness allowed me to have an actual girlfriend. I have no such connection with Heston.
Parker plays a mail-order bride, of sorts, a situation with which Heston seems to be as delighted as his gruff character will allow. When he finds out she is a widow, though, that's where he draws the line. Stating that all of his possessions are new, none used, he has a bit of a tantrum, the kind men have when they aren't allowed to have exactly what they want. They eventually make the marriage work, as I rip up the picture in my wallet.
Is it just me, or do the ants in Jungle pose a less than exciting threat? They're big, I guess, on an atomic scale. But they're not huge, by sci-fi standards. Depicting a 30-mile wide swath of the tiny creatures must have been a big challenge for director Byron Haskin back in the pre-CGI Eisenhower years.
Naked Wines for The Naked Jungle? Sure. It's a wine club disguised as a crowdfunder disguised as a flex account for wine. Be an Angel and sign up.
Empire of the Ants is a 1977 sci-fi directed by Bert I. Gordon. Now we're talking. Big ants. Big sci-fi ants, from the guy known as the king of monster creatures. The script was loosely based on an H.G. Wells short story. I say "loosely" because the ants got big from chowing down on radioactive nuclear waste.
Joan Collins and Robert Lansing were two of the people on a boat trip to show off a planned beachfront project to the developer's clients. Just as ants have ruined many a picnic, these mutant ants spoiled the show.
The bugs communicated through pheromones, a chemical substance that not only allowed them to share their thoughts with each other, but also allowed them to take over the townsfolk, enslaving them. Pheromones proved to be even more effective than the whips used by our founding fathers to keep their plantations going.
If only I could find a pheromone wine to pair with Empire. Wait a minute, it says here my wish has been granted. Japanese winemaker Osamu Uchida works in Bordeaux to produce his Phéromone red blend of Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon. It's organic, so there's no need to worry about radioactive nuclear waste. Watch out for those pheromones, though. It sells for about $60.
The trailer blazes the words: Terror - Horror - Excitement - Mystery - THEM! Never has an acronym so accurately described its subject. Them! was the first giant insect movie, and still stands as the best. TFH guru Joe Dante credits this movie with scaring the preteen crap out of him, and he's not alone.
When I first saw this classic sci-fi movie, I didn't know the meaning of needing a drink. Today, I do. It's a wonder this film didn't make me seek out my parents' wine stash years earlier than I eventually did. Water - Is - Never - Enough.
Giant mutant ants are scary, but in the coastal community where I was raised, giant mutant crabs might have been more expected. Giant mutant crabs would have been a welcome addition to the seafood buffet in my hometown. "Djya see thuh size uh them thangs? And only $10.95!"
Pairing a wine with insects is tricky. I'm guessing a white wine with a lot of acidity would work well, unless the insects are chocolate covered. Try a Port, in that case. Maybe for Them! we could borrow a page from Monty Python and choose a wine that's good for hand-to-hand combat.
Or we could go to Anthill Farms Winery of Healdsburg. Their Campbell Ranch Vineyard Pinot Noir is from the Sonoma Coast town of Annapolis. Oh, if it had only been ANT-apolis! The cool, coastal conditions there are great for growing Pinot Noir grapes, and for keeping away giant mutant ants. $53.
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