Thursday, August 23, 2012

Blood Of The Vines: Poultrygeist

Pairing wine with chicken is easy. With all the apps available for the purpose of food and wine pairing, it's - as the Rolling Stones might have sung with a more digital upbringing - just a click away. Or, in this case, just a cluck away.

Of course, we could go right to the top for a pairing with Poultrygeist. The Court of Master Sommeliers recommends Pinot Noir, Gamay, Sauvignon Blanc, Chenin Blanc, and of course, Riesling, with chicken. But then, the Court of Master Sommeliers recommends Riesling with everything.

Not that the Court would appreciate being dragged into this fray. After all, it's not just chicken with which we're pairing, but killer chickens. Chickens that turn the table on man and scratch out a sign saying, "Eat Mor Peepul."

"Poultrygeist" - subtitled "The Night of the Chicken Dead," takes nothing seriously, so neither will we. You can feel free to stop now and drink whatever you like while watching this film. Of course, that means you'll miss all the cheap chicken wine links later, so just keep scrolling.

As in "Poultergeist," this movie involves the invasion of a sacred burial ground. In this case, a fast food franchise moves in on the memorialized dead. What erupts afterward - and erupts is the right word - is nothing for the squeamish. If you really are having coq au vin with this movie, you've got a stronger constitution that I have, and that's saying a lot.

Lloyd Kaufman, the man behind the movie, says if there's a more graphic depiction of explosive diarrhea than the one in this film, even he doesn't want to see it. The sight of big chickens exacting their revenge on the employees of this eatery is played for the bloodiest kind of humor. It's a chicken dinner in reverse, with the meat served very rare.

After reviewing the previous paragraphs, I am struck that I have managed to sully the good name of the Court of Master Sommeliers, that I have ended a career-long avoidance of the term “explosive diarrhea” and that I have implied that Riesling goes with everything. I’ll take my punishment - a week of drinking only wines that have chickens on the label. We’ll start here:

Rex Goliath Wines are represented by a big ol’ fightin’ rooster. That’s either a wrestling championship belt he’s wearing, or a collection of war medals bought in a thrift shop. The wines are all sourced from that exclusive appellation known as “California,” which is located just west of “the rest of the world.” You won’t be branded a wine snob when you plop a magnum of this down on the coffee table. Best of all, it’s really cheap.

Robert Biale Vineyards makes a Black Chicken Zinfandel. For the other dark meat, no doubt. At $42 a bottle, you want it to be great. At least, you want to be able to disregard the “watch out for black chicken” sign.

Chicken Killer Barley Wine - As they say in Texas, sometimes a chicken just needs killin’. Here’s the 10% beer that’ll do the trick.

Rooster Hill Vineyards - From New York’s Finger Lakes, where chicken not only have lips, they have fingers, too.

Psychedelic Rooster Barbera - This is serious Lodi wine. You don’t want to tangle with a psychedelic rooster.

Soaring Rooster - It combines two of the worst trends in wine: the critter label and the cartoon label. Are things so bad up in Washington State that you have to resort to this?

Le Drunk Rooster - More critter cartoon labeling, and this time from France, tsk-tsk. 

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