Blood Of The Vines: Mr Blandings Builds His Dream House

Wine Goes To The Movies with 

Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell.

I’ll bet if a poll were taken to determine which movie star would be the most popular companion for drinks, it would be Cary Grant.  Maybe Ray Milland.  Maybe I should go to the internet and find the conclusive answer.

Thanks for waiting.  It didn’t take long.  You know how fast that internet is.  A poll showing which celebrity is the people's choice to spend time with had Ted Nugent holding a slight edge over Anthony Bourdain, and “Storage Wars” star Barry Weiss close behind.  So, I guess there’s a pretty big difference between “movie stars” and “celebrities” these days.  Of course, being alive may make it easier to score well in those polls.  I’m sure breathing and bowhunting are all Ted Nugent has on Cary Grant.  I’ll keep looking, though.  If Mr. Grant turns up, I’ll let you know.

He does more than turn up in “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House.”  In fact, the whole film is nothing less than a textbook on how to make a movie funny.  If I were to ask you “What’s the key element in comedy,” and you were to reply, “Timing,” that’s not comedy.  If you were to interrupt me after the word “element” and say “Timing,” that’s comedy.  The timing is the thing.  One joke can’t get out of the way fast enough to let the next one through.  Having a drink for each punchline is out of the question.  That’s an interactive game that’ll have you knee-walking before the second reel.

It’s Myrna Loy that steals the show, with the incredible monologue in which she describes colors to the paint crew.

Muriel Blandings:  “I want it to be a soft green, not as blue-green as a robin's egg, but not as yellow-green as daffodil buds. Now, the only sample I could get is a little too yellow, but don't let whoever does it go to the other extreme and get it too blue. It should just be a sort of grayish-yellow-green. Now, the dining room. I'd like yellow. Not just yellow; a very gay yellow. Something bright and sunshine-y. I tell you, Mr. PeDelford, if you'll send one of your men to the grocer for a pound of their best butter, and match that exactly, you can't go wrong! Now, this is the paper we're going to use in the hall. It's flowered, but I don't want the ceiling to match any of the colors of the flowers. There's some little dots in the background, and it's these dots I want you to match. Not the little greenish dot near the hollyhock leaf, but the little bluish dot between the rosebud and the delphinium blossom. Is that clear? Now the kitchen is to be white. Not a cold, antiseptic hospital white. A little warmer, but still, not to suggest any other color but white. Now for the powder room - in here - I want you to match this thread, and don't lose it. It's the only spool I have and I had an awful time finding it! As you can see, it's practically an apple red. Somewhere between a healthy winesap and an unripened Jonathan.”
Mr. PeDelford: “You got that Charlie?”
Charlie the Painter: “Red, green, blue, yellow, white.”

The wine pairing for such a movie is not easily pronounced.  You want something zippy enough to keep up with the dialogue, but not so zippy that it races past the action.  It should be a wine that has some depth to it, but not so complex that it takes one’s mind off the show and forces a moody rumination.  Too simple, and you’re cooked as well.  It should sort of drive right down the middle of Complexity Avenue.  As for a red or white, or even pink, the movie is in black and white so it doesn’t really matter.  Don’t take that to mean the wine doesn’t matter - of course it does.  It simply doesn’t matter if it’s red or white.  Or even pink. It should be an eminently pairable wine, in case snacks are served while viewing.  And who knows what they’ll bring, so it should go with everything.  As for flavor, that spot between the winesap and the unripened Jonathan apple sounds just right to me.

You got that, Charlie?

"Riesling."

And if you do want a snack with this movie, take Gussie’s advice: “If you ain't eatin' Wham, you ain't eatin' ham.”

Build a night around these choices:

Tin House Wine - Central Coast wines from Edna Valley and Santa Maria, they focus on Pinot Noir and Syrah.  Priced at $18-$25.

Big House Wines - We’re stretching the house theme a bit here.  The Big House referred to in the name is actually Soledad State Correctional Facility.

Sutter Home Family Vineyards - This winery has been home to White Zinfandel since they invented it.  Let’s try not to hold a grudge.

Maison Red - Washington State’s Wilridge Winery sells wine in bottles you can refill and take home.


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Blood Of The Vines: Cool Hand Luke

Wine Goes to the Movies 

with Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell

As we inch our way toward autumn, wine lovers turn their thoughts to harvest time.  Visions of grape pickers working the vineyards fill our heads, lovingly fondling each cluster of Chardonnay, Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon before gently plucking it from the vine and sending it on its way to the sorting table.

At the beginning of "Cool Hand Luke," Paul Newman's character is drunk and lovingly pruning the head from a parking meter.  Two things you should never say to a policeman: “Hold my beer” and “Are you the guy from the Village People?”

As a result of his ill-advised adventure, Newman gets to join a group of men working in the fields.  They don't get paid even a low wage.   They work in chains and are watched over by a prison guard with mean sunglasses and a shotgun.  At a regular job, he’d be called mid-management.  Where's our shop steward?

These days, a lot of grape picking occurs at night.  Tractors with enough light banks to illuminate a ballpark make it easy for the harvesters to work when it’s cool.  It sounds very kind-hearted, until you realize it’s done that way for the benefit of the grapes, not the pickers.

I'm thinking it's jailbreak time - make a run for the nearest wine tasting event and hang out near the media.   In your dirty, sweaty, tattered rags, you'll blend right in.   But remember to sip, swirl and spit - otherwise, what we have here is... failure to expectorate.

I once worked for a guy who reminded me so much of Strother Martin that it was creepy.   We made many jokes that played off the “failure to communicate” line.   I was always ready to turn in my notice at the first sight of a new hire with badass sunglasses.

Paul Newman’s chain gang had to work all morning, into the blazing midday and right through the blistering afternoon.  A fella could really use a cool, refreshing Sauvignon Blanc after a day like that.  Or at least a Budweiser.   In prison, bread and water will have to do.  Come to think of it, I prefer water to Budweiser.

The prisoners in “Cool Hand Luke” live in eight by ten foot cells.  At work, you get a six by eight cubicle.   Good behavior in prison gets you time off.  On the job it gets you more work.  In prison, Luke is hanging around so many felons, he thought he was drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals.

The wine pairing for “Cool Hand Luke” is so easy, even Dragline could have thought of it.  Newman’s Own Wine offers a Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon - all tasting great and benefitting charities.

The Prisoner - Predominantly Zinfandel, with a chain gang of other grapes mixed in, this Dave Phinney favorite is one to take with you if you’re going away for a long time.

Communication Block Wine - A Mt. Veeder red blend from Lampyridae Vineyards, this wine is a benefit, too.   It helps kids who depend on technology for communication..

Keel and Curley Florida Blueberry Wine - Don’t make that Jägermeister face.  They make it sweet or dry.   And it’s really good.

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Blood Of The Vines: Poultrygeist

Pairing wine with chicken is easy. With all the apps available for the purpose of food and wine pairing, it's - as the Rolling Stones might have sung with a more digital upbringing - just a click away. Or, in this case, just a cluck away.

Of course, we could go right to the top for a pairing with Poultrygeist. The Court of Master Sommeliers recommends Pinot Noir, Gamay, Sauvignon Blanc, Chenin Blanc, and of course, Riesling, with chicken. But then, the Court of Master Sommeliers recommends Riesling with everything.

Not that the Court would appreciate being dragged into this fray. After all, it's not just chicken with which we're pairing, but killer chickens. Chickens that turn the table on man and scratch out a sign saying, "Eat Mor Peepul."

"Poultrygeist" - subtitled "The Night of the Chicken Dead," takes nothing seriously, so neither will we. You can feel free to stop now and drink whatever you like while watching this film. Of course, that means you'll miss all the cheap chicken wine links later, so just keep scrolling.

As in "Poultergeist," this movie involves the invasion of a sacred burial ground. In this case, a fast food franchise moves in on the memorialized dead. What erupts afterward - and erupts is the right word - is nothing for the squeamish. If you really are having coq au vin with this movie, you've got a stronger constitution that I have, and that's saying a lot.

Lloyd Kaufman, the man behind the movie, says if there's a more graphic depiction of explosive diarrhea than the one in this film, even he doesn't want to see it. The sight of big chickens exacting their revenge on the employees of this eatery is played for the bloodiest kind of humor. It's a chicken dinner in reverse, with the meat served very rare.

After reviewing the previous paragraphs, I am struck that I have managed to sully the good name of the Court of Master Sommeliers, that I have ended a career-long avoidance of the term “explosive diarrhea” and that I have implied that Riesling goes with everything. I’ll take my punishment - a week of drinking only wines that have chickens on the label. We’ll start here:

Rex Goliath Wines are represented by a big ol’ fightin’ rooster. That’s either a wrestling championship belt he’s wearing, or a collection of war medals bought in a thrift shop. The wines are all sourced from that exclusive appellation known as “California,” which is located just west of “the rest of the world.” You won’t be branded a wine snob when you plop a magnum of this down on the coffee table. Best of all, it’s really cheap.

Robert Biale Vineyards makes a Black Chicken Zinfandel. For the other dark meat, no doubt. At $42 a bottle, you want it to be great. At least, you want to be able to disregard the “watch out for black chicken” sign.

Chicken Killer Barley Wine - As they say in Texas, sometimes a chicken just needs killin’. Here’s the 10% beer that’ll do the trick.

Rooster Hill Vineyards - From New York’s Finger Lakes, where chicken not only have lips, they have fingers, too.

Psychedelic Rooster Barbera - This is serious Lodi wine. You don’t want to tangle with a psychedelic rooster.

Soaring Rooster - It combines two of the worst trends in wine: the critter label and the cartoon label. Are things so bad up in Washington State that you have to resort to this?

Le Drunk Rooster - More critter cartoon labeling, and this time from France, tsk-tsk. 

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Blood Of The Vines: Robinson Crusoe On Mars

Wine Goes To The Movies

with Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell

The Curiosity rover has begun snooping about for evidence of life on Mars.  I’ll be watching those pictures closely for evidence of wine on Mars.  Paul Mantee’s character in Robinson Crusoe on Mars could have used a little martian vino, be it red or white.

Had Daniel Defoe’s earthbound Crusoe known he would be marooned for 28 years, he might have tried making some wine - if only for sacramental purposes.  The 18th-century Crusoe got religion by reading the Bible while stranded.  Imagine what he could have accomplished, inspired by a couple of issues of Wine Spectator.

Hollywood’s version of the desert island is Mars in the 1964 film billed as “scientifically authentic.”  That must have referred to the Technicolor process, because little else seems to be very realistic.  TFH says the movie does borrow effects from “War of the Worlds” and “Destination Moon,” and the presentation is 1964-moderne, if not exactly ripped from the pages of NASA handbooks.

You have to wonder what kind of space agency decides it’s a good idea to send a manned mission to Mars with a dangerous wild animal on board.  In case you’ve never had a close encounter of the simian kind before - yes, monkeys are wild.  And yes, they are dangerous.  They didn’t have wine on the ship, but that ape looks to me like he’s been sneaking a nip here and there.  Like the original Crusoe, Mantee seems to be stuck with some horrifically inadequate companionship.  At least until Friday, the intergalactic slave, shows up.  Good thing he’s a quick learner when it comes to picking up language from another world.

If you tour the vineyards of the Canary Islands, you may think you’re about to find wine on Mars.  On Lanzarote, they grow their grapes in little lava craters to help protect them from the wind.  On the Greek island of Santorini, they wrap their grapevines into little baskets, for the same purpose.  Both methods produce a weird effect that looks otherworldly - particularly in Lanzarote’s volcanic ash.

Here’s to life on Mars, and wine on Mars, for that matter.  Just like fires in zero atmosphere and monkeys in space suits, it’s “scientifically authentic.”

For that long-awaited sip of wine for Robinson Crusoe on Mars, where else to start but at Martian Vineyard.  They aren’t on Mars, but they are in Los Alamos - which is close.  They’ve been conducting experiments on Albariño, Grenache Blanc and Grenache that have turned out extremely well.  They also captured a Santa Ynez Viognier and have already taught it to speak English.  The prices aren’t in the stratosphere for wines like UFOric, Mothership, Down To Earth and Ground Central: $20 to $25 range.

Domaine Font-Mars - Bordeaux wine from Mars, here on earth.

White Rocket Wines - An experiment by the late Jess Jackson that didn’t exactly lift off.

Red Rover Wines - If you don’t monkey around with any #$@%& Merlot, they also have Barbera and Chardonnay.


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Blood Of The Vines: Them!

Wine Goes To The Movies

With Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell

When I first saw the classic sci-fi movie, "Them!," I didn't know the meaning of needing a drink.  Today, I do.  It's a wonder this film didn't make me seek out my parents' wine stash years earlier than I eventually did.  Water Is Never Enough.

The trailer blazes the words: Terror - Horror - Excitement - Mystery - THEM!  Never has an acronym so accurately described its subject.  "Them" was the first giant insect movie, and still stands as the best.  TFH guru Joe Dante credits this movie with scaring the preteen crap out of him, and he's not alone.

Not only did "Them" feature giant mutant ants as a necessary byproduct of the nuclear age, it also featured building-mounted bullhorns from which the populace could be warned to stay inside.  We had civil defense sirens where I grew up, but I always wondered what town those bullhorns were in, and what problem they were expecting that prompted their installation.  Giant mutant insects, no doubt.

In the coastal community in which I was raised, giant mutant crabs might have been expected, or something related to the oil industry that ruled my early years.  “We Oil the World,” cried the city dads from every billboard and official vehicle.  “Crabbing, too!”  I always wondered about the wisdom of advertising crabbing as a great tourist attraction in an area known for petroleum refineries.  That was years before people became alarmed at mercury in tuna.  Giant mutant crabs would have been a welcome addition to the seafood buffet in my hometown.  "Djya see thuh size uh them thangs?  And only $10.95!"

Pairing a wine with insects is tricky.  The apps on my iPhone that offer to pair wine with food don't cover pairing with insects - for some reason.  I'm guessing a white wine with a lot of acidity would work well, unless the insects are chocolate covered.  Try a Port, in that case.  Maybe for "Them" we could borrow a page from Monty Python and choose a wine that's good for hand-to-hand combat.

Or we could go to Anthill Farms Winery of Healdsburg.  Their Campbell Ranch Vineyard Pinot Noir is from the Sonoma Coast town of Annapolis (oh, if it had only been ANT-apolis!)  The cool, coastal conditions there are great for growing Pinot Noir grapes, and for keeping away giant mutant ants.

Ant Moore Wine - New Zealand winemaker of Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Gris and Riesling.  Goes great with ants

A wine ant, the obligatory wine chotzke.

Import A-N-T Wines - This is a wine sales outfit which can’t sell to the public.  Why advertise?  Alcohol laws in the U.S. are certainly intriguing.  The name seems to be more of a stretch than even I usually go to for the wine pairing.

White Ant Wine - Q:  “How many ants does it take to make a bottle of wine?” A: It depends on how much beer you give them.  Believe me, winemakers are laughing their asses off at that one.  And the website: “Connecting buyers with China suppliers?” Is someone having trouble finding Chinese-made products?  May I direct you to … uh … everywhere?

Ant control with wine vinegar - Personally, I’m more fascinated with the idea that grits kill ants.


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Blood Of The Vines: The Howling

Wine Goes To The Movies

With Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell

For the dog days of summer, what could be better than a movie with some canine teeth?  And some claws.  And a loud bark.  And a nice wine for a dog day afternoon.

“The Howling” is a great 1980s werewolf film - there were a few of them back in the day.  This one boasts TFH head guru Joe Dante directing a screenplay by John Sayles - not to mention the likes of Patrick Macnee, Slim Pickens, John Carradine and Kevin McCarthy onscreen.  I’m in.

First of all, save your silver bullets.  Do you know how much ordinary stuff can kill a dog?  Wine is right up there - or any alcoholic beverage.  But how about milk?  That’s bad for Fido, too.  Chocolate, also not so good for Rover.  Nor are avocados, persimmons, eggs, fish, salt, sugar, yeast or macadamia nuts.  It looks like the only thing dogs can safely eat are Bonz.  So why so much trouble killing werewolves?  Can’t we just send them to a buffet?

While swirling my Cru Vin Dogs red blend, I take offense when one of the characters in “The Howling” says, “You’re from Los Angeles. The wildest thing you’ve ever heard is Wolfman Jack.”  Hey, writer, if you think wild sounds don’t happen in Los Angeles, I wish upon you every next door neighbor I’ve ever had.  Have you never been rolled out of bed by dueling garbage trucks at 7:00?  I didn’t think real people worked that early - just people who have to do things like get the news ready for you.

If you’ve never seen a newsperson turn into a werewolf, you’re missing a treat.  Oh, yeah, I’ve been around some newsrooms in my time.  TV, radio, something they used to call “newspapers.”  I’ve seen a few newspersons go off the deep end.  I’ve seen some things I wouldn’t want to see on the big screen - it was horrible enough life-size.

When I tell people about screaming arguments in which a variety of common newsroom items thrown at me ended up stuck in the soundproofing behind me, I hear gasps.  I don’t have the heart to tell them I returned fire with a severely brown coffee cup that put a dent in the paneling and left a mural-sized stain that is still being talked about today.  That was followed up by a left-handed sling of a half-empty pint bottle of Wild Turkey from the photographer’s drawer.  The news is not pretty when you get it.  It’s even uglier before that.

Was I writing about werewolves?  Yes, I suppose I was.  Sometimes I don’t know if I can scream.  Sometimes I don’t know if I can stop screaming.  The news does that to me.  So does Mad Dog 20/20.

Let’s pair a Santa Maria Valley Syrah with “The Howling,”  from Ambullneo Vineyards - not least because it’s called “Howling.”  Also because it’s dark and brooding.

Howl’d you like these?

Mad Dogs and Englishmen - Monastrell from Jumilla, Spain will go great with any movie, actually.

Stone Wolf Winery - Willamette Valley wine watched over by a wolf.  Do we trust him?

Grey Wolf Winery - The werewolves of Paso Robles are not drinking pina coladas.  They’re drinking this.

Werewolf Cabernet Sauvignon - They actually have nine different wines from Transylvania - oh, wait, that’s vampire country.


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Blood Of The Vines: From Russia With Love

Wine Goes To The Movies 

With Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell

British secret agent James Bond gave the world its most famous drink order: “A martini - shaken, not stirred.”  Even if you don’t like martinis, it sounds great in Sean Connery’s dulcet tones.  If Bond had been a Russian, he might have asked for “Wodka - leave the bottle.”  But then he would have been working the wrong side of the Cold War street, would have worn a fur hat - and we would have rooted against him.

An American James Bond may have ordered a martini as well, but probably would have asked for it “dirty.”

James Bond hailing from Spain or Italy would certainly have gone for bubbles, but the order might have been badly dubbed.  Cava, por favor.  Prosecco, si prega di.

A French spy?  Champagne, of course.  He's licensed to chill.  Bollinger has been 007's bubble of choice for years, but Dom Perignon was the thing early in the franchise.  1953, s'il vous plait. He finds the '55 Dom useful in hand-to-hand combat - in Dr. No, Bond is ready to clobber the bad doctor with that vintage until a moment of civility overtakes him.

If Bond had been Canadian, he may have tried to pry state secrets from the enemy with a friendly game of Beer Hunter.  Remember James, only one can of the sixer gets shaken.

Germany's answer to the secret agent would no doubt have ordered Riesling - with the help of M's Riesling label decoder ring.

A Japanese Bond would have... been Charlie Chan.  Waiter, sake for number one son.

It doesn't really matter what the drink is, though, as long as 007 can share it with a Bond Girl.  Daniela Bianchi, in "From Russia With Love," fits the role just fine.

TFH guru Brian Trenchard-Smith points out in his commentary that “From Russia With Love” was not only one of John F. Kennedy’s favorite books, it was the last movie he ever saw.  Kennedy screened the James Bond followup to “Dr. No” the night before he left for Dallas.

For this Bond film, we will go for a Cold War favorite - well, a cellar-temperature war favorite.  Russian wine is not easy to come by, but it’s out there.

Grapes have been cultivated for centuries in Russia, but the advent of the modern era of Russian wine was a 19th century Crimean sparkling wine factory.  Much like the US had its Prohibition to stop the growth of a burgeoning wine industry, so Russia had the revolution of 1917.  That’s when the French left the country and took their winemaking know-how with them.  Russia now has only half the vineyard land it had during the 1980s, largely because of former Soviet head-of-state Mikhail Gorbachev’s campaign to stamp out alcoholism.  One might argue that vodka is more to blame for the country's alcoholism problem, and their current leader agrees.

Abrau-Durso is Russia's oldest Champagne house - why do they call it Champagne? - and the Rusky sparkler can be found online for anywhere from $10 to $50 a bottle.  Shaken, Mr. bond?  "Nyet."

Blood Of The Vines: The Killing

Wine Goes to the Movies

with Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell

Who doesn't like to grab a bottle of wine and take in a day at the track?  Well, I've never done it.  When I lose my shirt gambling on sports, I prefer to do my drinking afterward.  I drown my bad luck with free house wine in the casino while nursing a video poker machine - the second most boring waste of time known to man.  The first, of course, is keno.

I suppose seeing your money disappear in person, rather than on one of a dozen closed circuit screens from various racetracks, has a certain allure.  But in “The Killing,” the Stanley Kubrick classic starring Sterling Hayden, everybody's money disappears when a clown-masked robber rips off the gate.  Okay, so now the whole grandstand wishes they had brought a bottle, instead of just those who put Aunt Martha's farm on the horse that couldn’t get around the first turn.

Horse racing, like winemaking, is one of those things rich people get into when they find they just can't spend their money fast enough in other, more conventional pursuits.  Kentucky may have the thoroughbreds, but California has the wine.

The late Jess Jackson blended the two.  He was not only a California wine legend - owner of Kendall-Jackson and changer of the way wine was made and marketed - he was also a mover and shaker in the thoroughbred horse industry.  So, for “The Killing,” we'll go with his hallmark - K-J Vintner's Reserve Chardonnay.  They make a zillion cases a year and it's always lauded as a reliably good wine from vintage to vintage.  Twelve dollars out of the gate at the supermarket can get you a wine that will feel right at home down the stretch.

Comin' on the rail:

RustRidge Winery Racehorse Red - From the Chiles Valley in the northeastern part of Napa, this wine feels good coming' down the backstretch, and better running through the inside.

Wild Horse Winery and Vineyards - They run wild and free in Paso Robles, with a line called “Unbridled” to prove it.

Darkhorse Wines - A great candidate for an after-race unwind.

Iron Horse Winery - "The drink of optimists," they call their wine.  Well, if you're at the racetrack, that must be you.

The obligatory wine novelty - Am I drawn to this sort of thing because I routinely bet on 20-1 long shots running in the mud?

Santa Ynez Horse and Winery Tour - This actually sounds like fun.  Just make sure your horse uses the spit bucket at the tastings.  See novelty above.

Beaulieu Vineyards Beauzeaux Red Blend - “Come on, clown, sing us a chorus from "Pagliacci!”


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Trailers From Hell Kickstarter Campaign

My pals at Trailers From Hell have a fundraising effort underway through Kickstarter.  If you like movies of the classic era - if you like the Blood Of The Vines wine and movie pairings - if you like Hollywood swag for being so generous - check out the kickstarter video here.

Blood Of The Vines: Bedazzled

Wine Goes to the Movies 

with Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell

Bedazzle: 1. To dazzle completely so as to make blind.  2. To cleverly outwit

Enough wine can make you blind drunk, and you may, in that circumstance, find yourself cleverly outwitted.  "Dude, where's my car" is a question I have received over the phone on at least a couple of mornings after.

“Bedazzled” shows how easily we mortals can be taken in by someone who promises to give us what we want.  Peter Cook and Dudley Moore - the Moët et Chandon of British comedy - make this film bubble over with their unique comic sparkle.

Peter Cook wears the devil's red socks - not wine red, unfortunately, but brimstone red - while Dudley Moore is the devil's workshop. He just wants to do well with the ladies, and he trusts a guy in a cape to get him there.  Raquel Welch is - what else - Lust.  Any movie featuring this much of Raquel Welch gets extras on my 100 point scale.  The seven deadly sins are looking pretty good from this angle.

Organized religion has tagged drinking as a sin, although it’s not on the list of seven.  Drinking too much may be considered gluttony, and then you’re in trouble.  Proud of your low blue flame?  That’s a no-no.  Envious of your neighbor’s 1995 Château Margaux?  Nix.  Mean drunk?  Wrath is bad, too.  You can get into trouble with any endeavor.  Keep yourself in between the extremes and you should be alright.

Don’t confuse “Bedazzled” with the remake starring Brendan Fraser.  It's nothing of the sort.  TFH guru Josh Olsen says the 1967 original is one of the three films that define a '60s that never was.  Without “Bedazzled,” “The President's Analyst” and “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls,” says Olsen, “you have no Austin Powers."  I'm still trying to figure out if that's a good or bad thing.  A any rate, his advice to see the "Lennon and McCartney of British comedy" in action should be taken.  Laughter is not one of the seven deadlies.

Bedazzling Wines:

7 Deadly Zins is a Lodi Zinfandel blend that’s spicy, sexy and full-bodied - definitely worth one of your seven wishes.

Casillero del Diablo Reserva Privada - A blend of Cabernet Sauvignon and Syrah from “the Devil’s cellar.”

Juliette's Dazzle Rosé - A pink wine made from Pinot Grigio!

Kiss The Devil Wine - Wine made from chili peppers.  No way it’s that hot?  Yes, way.

Deviled ham - Ham, hot sauce and cayenne pepper all rolled into a tin can that sits on a shelf for five years before you buy it.  How do I not have some of that in front of me right now?

Bedazzled Wine Glasses - Maybe I'll get some of these for the next wine party I throw in my RV.

Bedazzled Wine Bottle Wraps - OMG.  It’s the work of the devil.


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Blood Of The Vines: The Last Waltz

Wine Goes to the Movies with 

Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell

“This article should be read (a)loud”

It probably won’t be long before there will be sommeliers at rock concerts, if there aren’t already.  I don’t go to many concerts, so there may well be someone behind the concession stands these days curating the rock and roll wines - someone to help guide you to just the right crappy Chardonnay to hold in the hand that doesn’t have your Bic lighter in it.  Or the iPhone Bic lighter app, anyway.

TFH guru Allan Arkush tells the story about how he worked at the Fillmore East in his college days at NYU.  He made it possible for one of his professors - one Martin Scorsese - to see The Band at the Fillmore.  The rest, as they say, is rock and roll cinema history.

“The Last Waltz” isn’t just a concert movie, of course. Martin Scorsese would need more up his sleeve than that. It’s a document, a testimony, a farewell.  It completes a circle that started at the Fillmore, watching perhaps the greatest American rock band, with free tickets, in 1970.  It's no Freixenet commercial, but it's close enough for rock and roll.

The 1976 concert at Winterland was staged as a big sendoff to The Band, who were breaking up, with Robbie Robertson’s departure.  Robertson’s value as a songwriter I won’t question, but I understand that it was not uncommon for his microphone to be turned off during performances.  If only they could have managed that for Neil Diamond.

Robertson’s curious fascination with Neil Diamond surfaced in 1976, and Diamond appeared at The Last Waltz concert.  Levon Helm, for one, was critical of Diamond’s presence on the stage.  I have read that Helm and Bob Dylan had an amusing backstage conversation as Diamond was finishing his song.  Diamond was apparently the butt of a Dylan joke in which he explained to Helm that in order to properly follow Diamond, he’d have to fall asleep onstage.  I'd have given a magnum of anything Coppola makes to have been privy to that.

Much has been made of the cocaine booger on Neil Young’s nose.  It got bigger each time the story was told.  It has since been removed from the film, but now, instead of looking for the booger, people look for where the booger used to be.

Check the credits the next time you watch “The Last Waltz.”  Aside from Scorsese directing, you have cinematographers who worked on films like “Raging Bull”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” “Five Easy Pieces” and “Easy Rider” working the cameras.  The production designer who worked on “The Sound of Music” and “West Side Story” did the lighting.  The San Francisco Opera contributed the set from “La traviata.”  There may have been more high-level talent behind the cameras than there was in front of them.

Oh, yeah.  There were a few famous guest musicians present, too.  As your sommelier for this concert, my wine selections for “The Last Waltz” are done like a setlist, according to those who took part in the show.

Check out the trailer - and the commentary by Arkush - then do as he recommends.  Pop the DVD in the machine and turn it up.  And try not to look too hard at Neil Young’s nostrils.

The Wine setlist for “The Last Waltz”

The Band - “Hard-workin’ wines to rock your tastebuds,” proclaims House Band Wine's mission statement.  Napa, Sonoma and Mendocino wines often do that.


Ronnie Hawkins - Hidden away in California’s Suisun Valley, Winterhawk Winery does a Late Harvest Zinfandel that sings sweeter than Hawkins.


Dr. John and Bobby Charles - Uncork some Blanc du Bois and some Norton from Pontchartrain Vineyards for these two sons of Louisiana.


Paul Butterfield - Sometimes a big, buttery Chardonnay gives me the blues.  Sometimes it’s just what I needed.  Newton Vineyard does it like that.


Muddy Waters and Eric Clapton - Muddy Water Winery in New Zealand’s Waipara Valley used to make a wine called Mojo.  Now they make one called Slowhand.


Neil Young and Joni Mitchell - Canada’s Harvest Winery should fit nicely for these north-of-the-border legends.


Neil Diamond - In honor of Dylan’s comment, let’s choose something from Sleepy Creek Vineyards.


Van Morrison - Bunratty Castle is the site of the first vineyards in Ireland.  The Celts have always been crazy about their mead.


Bob Dylan - So Dylan’s Wine Cellar is named for the owner’s kid, but he may well have been named after Bob.  Stop in the next time you’re in Peekskill, NY.


Ringo Starr - Ringo’s playing a winery this summer.  Enjoy a Chateau Ste. Michelle Riesling.


Ronnie Wood - From the Wines That Rock series, 40 Licks Merlot.


The Staple Singers - They hit it big with Stax records, so dip into Memphis with a Blush from Old Millington WInery.


Emmylou Harris - Vin de pays means “country wine” in French, so why not grab a nice back porch blend of Viognier, Sauvignon Blanc and Muscat d’Alexandrie from Château Saint-Cosme.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti - Not a wine for this poet, who performed Loud Prayer at the conclusion of The Band’s farewell concert, but a book.  We should all go out like that.  Have some Bukowski.



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Blood Of The Vines: Lord Love A Duck

Wine Goes To The Movies 

with Now And Zin Wine and Trailers From Hell

If you are in the mood for an unhinged parody of the beach-blanket-teen-flesh movies of the early to mid-’60s - and when are you not in the mood for that? -  “Lord Love A Duck” is where you should go.  Duck pairs wonderfully with wine and the movie gives flight to the “groovy” part of the sixties.  I expect Peter Sellers to walk into the scene at any moment.  The script can only manage to flirt with alcohol, but going on a murderous rampage with a bulldozer suggests there may have been something stronger in play.

Tuesday Weld and Lola Albright play the bikini-beach gal roles to the hilt.  Sweaters?  Sure you get sweaters!  How about a dozen?  Try them on - please!  Roddy McDowall is a cross between Moondoggie and Bonehead, only dangerous.  The music in the beach party scenes is just about the most redundantly cheesy song ever written - one of those “Here’s what showbiz thinks is hip” moments.  Mercifully, this time, it’s tongue-in-cheek.  The dance performed to that music is perhaps the best parody of the act of sex I’ve ever seen.

While you are viewing “Lord Love A Duck,” try not to crawl too deeply into the fascination with the title - it has probably won an award for awfulness.  McDowall’s character calls himself by the name of an extinct duck, in case you were wondering.  Swirl that ducky wine and relish the satire before you.  If that pairing doesn’t get you twelve sweaters, hold the relish.

Duckhorn Vineyards makes a nice Petit Verdot - among a number of other nice Bordeaux varieties that would pair nicely with duck.  They also have a duck on the label, and you have to love that.  They also have the Paraduxx line, when one duck isn’t enough.

Duck!  There’s more!

Cold Duck - One writer calls it “a cross between grape Fanta, Cranberry Juice Cocktail, and one of those ‘Champagnes’ you need to swallow with Advil in order to circumvent the inevitable headache.”  Cheers!

Duck And Wine Festival - Duck, North Carolina is the place for this one.  You’ll have to wait for April - that’s apparently when wine season opens in the Carolinas.

The Inevitable Duck Wine Bottle Holder - This one shows the duck comically appearing to glug the bottle.


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Blood Of The Vines: Strangers on a Train

Wine Goes To The Movies With 

Now And Zin Wine and TrailersFromHell.com

Here we go, back to Alfred Hitchcock for another pairing of wine with a movie.  Why not?  There's always plenty to drink in a Hitchcock movie, and Hitch was quite the wine connoisseur himself.  So you can hardly go wrong with any of his films.

The drinks connection is made even easier by an irreverent movie blogger who suggests a game in which you watch "Strangers on a Train" and have a drink every time you see Robert Walker's tie pin, someone wearing glasses, a guy in a suit or hear carnival music.  That last one could work in a number of Hitchcock movies.  The guy loved calliopes.

Speaking of music, the rock group Journey may have had "Strangers on a Train" on the brain when they penned "Don't Stop Believin'." They had a small town girl and a city boy both on the train.  But the strangers were all on the boulevard.  Not even a hint of murder.  Maybe they were playing that drinking game while watching the movie and writing the song.

There's the "strange toast" which is alluded to prominently in the trailer.  I'd suggest an Irish toast if you want a really strange one.  "May the seven hounds of hell sit on the spool of your chest and bark in at your soul case." Wait, that's an Irish curse.  Aah, what's the difference?  Make a drinking game out of it and anything goes.

You’ll probably want to make like a Hitchcock character and have a snifter of brandy after getting an eyeful of Robert Walker's smoking jacket - noirishly festooned with ashtrays and cigarettes all over it!  Was he sporting a pair of charcoal slacks with it?  I must speak with his tailor to find out if he has one worked up with wine glasses and corkscrews in the pattern.

Walker does an outstanding job in this movie, but nothing stands out more than his face in the crowd at Farley Granger’s tennis match.  He keeps his head perfectly still while keeping his gaze fixed on Granger.  That’s pretty creepy, but when the carousel goes ballistic it's time to cut the drinking games and get serious about it.

Pomar Junction is serious about wine and trains.  There’s a railroad in their family tree - and on their labels.  They even have a train at the winery.  Well, they have a boxcar and a caboose.  They only go somewhere in your imagination.  Their wine is another story - it’s going places fast.  Their Train Wreck is equal parts Cabernet Sauvignon, Petite Sirah, Zinfandel and Syrah.  All aboard!

Sidetracked:

Red Car Wine Company - Yes, it’s named after a trolley - but they have a Boxcar line if the HO gauge isn’t enough for you.

Loco Vino produces wine in Macon, Missouri which is inspired - or at least the labels are - by railroad history.  It may take a little work to find it, sort of like that pesky cigarette lighter in the movie.

Central Coast Railroad Festival Wine Train Excursions - San Luis Obispo County knows how to get to the wine in style..  They brake for wineries.

The Napa Valley Wine Train - The same idea as above, but further north.


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Blood Of The Vines: Deliverance

In the South, drinking is the national sport.  That’s why they named their beer “Dixie.”  Of course, they also name their cars, hunting dogs and little girls “Dixie,” but those are for other columns.  This one is about wine and movies, and it says here the best movie about the southern United States is “Deliverance.”

It’s not a feel-good movie.  It’s a writhing, retching record of the worst that humanity has to offer, and I don’t mean litterbugs.  Those goons are scary stupid, and those city boys are way out of their element.  They should have turned around and gone back home at the first sign of trouble, but you know what a bad influence that Burt Reynolds can be.

When Burt told the local yokel that fifty dollars was too much for the ride, maybe he should have used a little more tact.  “Fifty my left pinkie” might not have riled ‘em up as much as “Fifty my ass.”   Of course, it may have raised different concerns.

I’m from the South, so I’ve heard the entire roster of “squeal like a pig” comments, thank you.  Yes, there really are people out there who keep the memory of that line alive as humor.  Scary stupid.  I knew a guy who raised exotic birds.  He was fond of saying, “Scream like a peacock,” but I don’t think it was in reference to the movie.

The music of “Deliverance” gave the banjo a rare appearance in the Top Forty.  The instrumental “Dueling Banjos” was a big hit, performed by Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandel.  That big wave of follow-up banjo hits never occurred, though, even on country radio.  Forty years later we are still waiting for the banjo craze to cycle back around.  I think we are ripe for a banjo rap song.  Banjoists should run an ad campaign: “Hey, at least it’s not accordions!”

My wife and I overheard Ronny Cox tell an interesting story about his experience in “Deliverance” as we sat at the next table during lunch at the Mulholland Grill.  He said the kid who played the banjo in the movie was terribly afraid of playing in front of the cameras.  The kid took a shine to Ronny, though, and didn’t have any problem playing his part as long as Cox was nearby.  Everybody appreciated that, but Cox’s character was found floating belly up anyway.  Sorry for eavesdropping, Ronny.

As long as we’re in the Southeast trying to decide which is worse - the heat or the humidity - let’s do something that had to happen sooner or later.  Let’s go Muscadine.

The Muscadine grape is indigenous to the Southeastern US, although you can find it growing a purty far piece up the eastern seaboard and even as far west as Texas - yee-haw!  Fans of wine made from vinifera grapes - the sort grown in France, or California - will immediately turn up their little pug noses at the hint of a Muscadine wine.  But the grape grows well in conditions that would leave a Chardonnay grape fanning itself on the divan. 

Sir Walter Raleigh is said to have been so impressed with Muscadine wine he traded a carton of cigarettes to the Indians for some and sent it back to Queen Elizabeth.  There’s no record of how she liked it, but it probably ran a close race with okra.

The Muscadine grape survives in lousy grape-growing weather because it has 20 pairs of chromosomes, one more pair than European grapes.  That's also the reason there is about 40 times the amount of antioxidants as in traditional wine grapes.

There’s a nice little Muscadine produced in Alabama, at Morgan Creek Vineyards.  It might take a little getting used to it, but it’s got great acidity and is a good fit with food.

Do you deliver?

Organic Muscadine can be found coming out of Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, North Carolina and Louisiana.

Muddy Water “Deliverance” wine - This Waipara Valley wine from New Zealand is a blend of Syrah and Pinotage, the latter sometimes regarded as lowly as Muscadine.


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Blood Of The Vines: The Pom Pom Girls

Wine Goes To The Movies With 
Now And Zin and Trailers From Hell


There is something quaintly American about cheerleaders.  There is also something quaintly American about baseball, apple pie and white Zinfandel.  This time, we’re hangin’ with “The Pom Pom Girls.”


All-American girls in bikinis at the beach, practicing their cheers while showing their rears. Roll ‘em, aaaaand - that’s a wrap! What more do you need from a summertime movie?  Plots play over the holidays.


That type of scene might make you think this sexploitation chuckler should have been titled “The Butt Pom Girls.”  That probably got discussed sometime before the movie was released.  There does seem to be a scarcity of actual pom poms, at least in the trailer.  That’s OK, though, because those things cover up so much when the gals are holding them.  I’m sure that was probably an agenda point at a pre-production meeting, too.  “Wait - how about if they throw the pom poms on the ground!”  “Brilliant!”


In her commentary on the movie, Katt Shea says there’s an “American Graffiti feeling” to “The Pom Pom Girls.”  While fans of one probably wouldn’t trade for the other, both films do have an endearing way of showing the innocence of youth.  One has a more serious side, while the other has a nice backside.  Comparing the two is rather like comparing Zinfandel and white Zin.  Both have their moments, but...


“The Pom Pom Girls” isn’t too bad, for a movie about cheerleaders.  It could have been better.  It could have been “Bring It On.”  It also could have been worse.  It could have been about the marching band.


Levity aside, I’m told there is actually a difference between pom pom girls and cheerleaders.  The way I hear it, cheerleaders do simple, repetitive “cheer motions” while pom pom girls are more artful and employ more freestyle actions in their performances.  I had the feeling that explanation came from a pom pom girl.  A former cheerleader confirmed that, while extolling the athleticism of her crew. It's a Hatfield/McCoy thing between cheerleaders and pom pom girls. At any rate, once the pom poms hit the ground, your assets are on display and the spirit stick is passed.


We could hit it and quit it by going with Pom Pom Wine - pom-pom-pomegranates, that is.  While it’s tempting to put our hands in the hands of the man who turned the water into wine - what a great miracle huh? - we’ll make Galilee a side trip on the way to Italy. 


That’s where we find pomace brandy - the Italian version is known as grappa.  In a pomace brandy, the skins, pulp, seeds and stems leftover from traditional winemaking are fermented and distilled on their own, producing a substance which is anywhere from 70 to 120 proof.  Nardini makes an esteemed grappa using the pomace of grapes from the Friuli and Veneto regions.  


Pom Pom wine is a shallow bottle:


Wine Opener Cheerleader - How many bottles of wine had that opener opened before the video was made?  I’m guessing one bottle of white Zin.


Holy-Field Winery Dog - An awesomely cute dog, and a Rock-Chalk-Jayhawk blue wine bottle from Kansas.


Cheerwine - I confess, this one is not even wine.  It’s a soda nobody knows about.  But, it’s cheering.  Must be some pom poms in there somewhere.




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Blood Of The Vines: The Horse Soldiers

Westerns - the Great American Movie Genre.  Yes, the Italian cinema has its Spaghetti Western - Cameriere, more Sangiovese, please!  But we’re talking real, honest-to-John-Wayne American westerns here.  The kind with a big, wide-open-spaces theme by somebody like Elmer Bernstein, Alfred Newman, or Lerner and Loewe.  Morricone magic is better served with the aforementioned grape of Chianti - and movies where the dubbed dialog doesn’t quite match up with the actors’ mouths.

The soundtrack of “The Horse Soldiers” rides in on the strains of “Dixie” and out to “When Johnny Comes Marching Home.”  You not only get a western, you get a Civil War movie, too.  And John Wayne’s in both of them.

Heck, you even get John Ford directing at no extra charge, and a story that was ripped from the headlines of the Vicksburg Post, circa 1863.  A western?  In Mississippi?  That’s right, pilgrim.  Mississippi was once The West.  The Duke plays the railroad-builder-turned-Yankee-Colonel who is sent into Mississippi on a mission to blow up a railroad.  Now that’s iron horse irony for you.

Besides Wayne and Ford, you get character actors like Ken Curtis, Denver Pyle and Strother Martin.  That’s the hick trifecta, right there - a dialogue coach’s dream, a speech therapist’s nightmare.  Every time I see one of those guys in a western, I wonder if they talk like that in real life.  I also wonder: do method actors in a Civil War picture drink Muscadine to get into the role?

It may be my imagination playing tricks on me, but I think this movie has more horses in it than I’ve ever seen in one film before.  It makes me wonder if actors get paid more for saddle sores.  We should probably check with a bow-legged actor for the answer.

None of the horses got listed in the credits, but they should have.  Without them, you wouldn’t have much of a western.  Not much of a cavalry movie, either, come to think of it.  With no horses, the cavalry would have come to the rescue on foot.  That would just about put them out of the rescuing business and in the cleaning-up-after-the-trouble business.

Horse walks into a bar.  Bartender says, “Why the long face?”  Horse says, “Can you make me a War Horse?”  Bartender says, “Sorry, I’m not on the draft board.  How about a nice Central Coast Pinot instead?”

Wild Horse Winery, just south of Paso Robles, advises us to “Live Naturally, Enjoy Wildly.”  Their 2006 Cheval Sauvage not only means “wild horse” in French, it’s the kind of masculine Pinot Noir John Wayne might share with his brave steed after a tough day of breaking the Confederacy.

Hoof a look at these:

Iron Horse Vineyards - A Sonoma County winery known for its sparkling wines,  their Iron Horse Chinese Cuvée was produced for the Chinese year of the dragon.  They are looking forward to 2014 - the year of the horse.

Black Stallion Winery - An old equestrian center is the home for the Napa Valley outfit in the Oak Knoll District.

14 Hands - The measure of a small horse, 14 Hands is also the home of some pretty tasty wines from eastern Washington state.

Blood Of The Vines: The Birds

Wine Goes To The Movies With 

Now And Zin Wine and Trailers From Hell

Let’s dip into the Alfred Hitchcock catalog again - and no, the wine pairing isn’t brandy.  That’s too easy, and it works with all Hitchcock movies.  For any sort of trouble that arises - and with Hitchcock, it always arises - the cure is a blast of brandy.  You can have a blast, but we have other pairing ideas today.

I recently got to see “The Birds” on the big screen at the Alex Theater in Glendale.  It’s not really as big a screen as the Don Drive-In, which is where I first saw the film when I was just a kid.  The lack of mosquitos at the Alex beats any issue of screen size, however.  And I never did like the citronella coils we had to set on fire on our dashboard to try and keep the mosquitos away.  If my dad - chain smoking Kools in the driver’s seat - isn’t keeping them away, why bother with citronella?

Set in Sonoma County wine country, “The Birds” wasn’t just suspenseful, it was downright scary.  Ordinary, everyday birds amassing for an attack on humans was a concept that tortured my “little kid thinking cap.”  Add in the Kennedy assassination, and that bewildering “what the hell happened to Elvis?” feeling, and 1963 was a pretty bad year for a kid.

It was a pretty good year for horror, though, with movies like “The Haunting,” “The Terror,” “The Ghost” and “The Day of the Triffids” hitting the screens that year.  The drive-ins were doing good business, I’m sure.

Trailers From Hell guru Eli Roth has a wonderful commentary on his turn with the trailer for “The Birds.”  He is so wrapped up in Hitchcock’s approach to the trailer, the actual movie has to take a back seat.  Come to think of it, Hitchcock’s trailer even put the movie in the back seat.

Cue the sound man, because when I was in the back seat of that 1960 Buick LeSabre station wagon at the Don Drive-In, what cut through the citronella and Kool smoke the most were the creepy sound effects in “The Birds.”  It was years before I could hear a crow without looking over my shoulder at the jungle gym.

Our wine pairing for “The Birds” is from Blackbird Vineyards of Napa Valley, not too far a drive from Bodega Bay.  “Paramour” is the name of the red blend, and the image on the bottle looks a lot like some birds are amassing for an attack on the wine cellar.  The notes of coffee will be useful when we are trying to stay awake on an all-night bird vigil.

We’re wingin’ it:

Smoking Loon Pinot Noir -  If you see a loon smoking, he’s bound to be a troublemaker.  If he smokes too much, send him back to the film noir movie from which he flew the coop.  If there are ten thousand loons smoking citronella, your worries will be bigger than mosquitos anyway.

Bird Wines - From the Omaka Valley of Marlborough, New Zealand comes this offering from winemaker Steve Bird.

Larry Bird Chardonnay - It looks like this wine may be out of production.  Napa Valley’s Cosentino Winery made it a few years back.  I had to mention it, even though ESPN beat me to the “surprisingly good for a white” joke.

Wine Markers - For your screening party featuring “The Birds,” get several sets and keep adding them to an unsuspecting guests glass when they aren’t looking.

Love Birds Wine Stopper - Well, it was the arrival of the love birds that started it all in Bodega Bay.  Apropos of nothing, the things pictured on this link are some of the most unusual looking items I’ve ever seen for sale.


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Blood Of The Vines: Touch of Evil

Orson Welles wrote, directed and co-starred in “Touch of Evil” in 1958, at the end of what might be considered film noir’s golden era.  It was right at the end of Welles’ golden era, too.  He had been packing on the pounds by this point in his career, and was also drinking too much.  In fact, the most exercise he got in the whole decade was a three-minute-twenty-second tracking shot.

Welles’ massive girth in “Touch of Evil” is actually more the result of padding and makeup than actual weight gain, but it wouldn’t be long before he’d be doing his own stunts.  As spokesman for Paul Masson wines a decade or so later, he didn’t need the help of the makeup department to look like a guy who could put an all-you-can-eat buffet out of business.

Break out the Paul Masson for a “Cheers” to the lineup!  Welles and Charlton Heston (playing a Mexican) are joined by names like Janet Leigh, Ray Collins, Dennis Weaver, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Marlene Dietrich and Joseph Cotten.  A cast like that makes a toast mandatory, even if it is jug wine.

I understand the film was shot at night to minimize the number of studio executives hanging around the set.  Welles was no fan of suits, and he felt that if his shooting schedule conflicted with prime schmoozing time, they’d stay out of his hair.  If it hadn’t been for that, the movie may not have been a film noir at all, but a film du jour.

The film’s noirishness is defined by by the dingy, dusty setting of the fictional Border City.  It’s worth noting that actual border towns like Tijuana apparently were not run-down and seedy enough, so the movie was shot in Venice - which isn’t exactly a highlight for the Chamber of Commerce brochure.

Janet Leigh broke her arm before filming started, which caused some difficulty in shooting her scenes.  The cast on her arm had to be removed for some of the shots and replaced afterward.  It might have had some people thinking that she was told to “break a leg,” and missed.  Leigh’s agent reportedly enraged the actress by giving the role a pass on her behalf.  She felt being directed by a legend was worth more than money.  Maybe she broke her arm while instructing her agent to get back on the phone.

Let’s choose a wine for “Touch of Evil” before somebody unscrews the cap on a “Hearty Burgundy.”

Washington’s Gorman Winery  has a 70/30 blend of Red Mountain Syrah and Cabernet Sauvignon called Evil Twin.  The 65-dollar question is, which grape is evil?

Other evil choices:

Evil Wine - This respected line from R Wines is made by South Australia winemaker Chris Ringland.

Pinot Evil - The little-known fourth monkey in the “hear no, see no, speak no” series.

Paul Masson commercial - This is the “Citizen Kane” of Orson Welles outtakes.  He just seems drunk, though, not evil.

Blood Of The Vines: The French Connection

Wine Goes To The Movies With
Now And Zin Wine And Trailers From Hell

While casting about for a French wine and movie pairing, it occurred to me how much French stuff we find all around us.  That's no surprise if you are in France, of course.  You expect it there.  But in the United States we sure have a lot of French stuff on hand.  French wine, of course, comes high on my list, but how about:

The French Paradox - The conundrum of how a nation of people who eat the richest, fattiest food in the world have a low rate of heart disease.  Give credit to the wine, by the way.

The French Quarter - A place where you can either have a really great time, or get rolled.  See: The French Quarter Paradox.

The French Jerry Lewis - Well, there is only one Jerry Lewis.  The French claim him and have been loaning him to us on Labor Day for years.

The French Laundry - That Napa Valley restaurant where the meal is so expensive you can't afford the wine.  See: The French Restaurant Paradox.

The French Crepe - A restaurant in the Farmers Market on Fairfax.  Not to be confused with the French creep, who hangs out at that hot dog place on Fairfax.

The French Dip - A sandwich originated at Philippe’s.  At least that’s the story Philippe tells.

The French Inhaler - The act of inhaling cigarette smoke through the nostrils as it is being exhaled from the mouth.  At least that’s how dad explained it to me when mom was listening.

The French Twist - A classic hairstyle that involves reaching behind the head and twisting a ponytail until it turns in on itself, then fastening it to the remaining hair.  It’s one of those things women do all the time, but men could never figure out how to accomplish it.

The French Open - One of the biggest reasons John  McEnroe had a bad temper.

The French Connection - a drug smuggling operation in which Turkish heroin was run through Marseille, France on its way to the United States.  It began in the 1930s, but wasn’t until 1971 that they made the movie about it.

Great Gene Hackman, great car chase, great bye-bye wave.

Since the whole plan ran through Marseille, let’s not fight the urge.  Let’s go Provence.  Nearly all they make there is rosé wine. Maybe you can’t picture Popeye Doyle drinking a pinkie.  You can picture him breaking a pinkie, but for drinks, he was probably a Harvey Wallbanger kind of guy.  The weather's turning warmer, the drugs are being run through Marseille, we don't want a Harvey Wallbanger... yes.  Provence it is.

A dry rosé is thing of beauty, and with an ugly ol’ cops’n’drug lords movie dirtying up the room, why not have something beautiful around.  Domaine Tempier is probably the most respected and coveted rosé wine in the world.  Critic Robert Parker raved about it, so the price is north of $40 per bottle - pretty expensive for a rosé.  We can have great wine for less.

Other French connections:

Chateau de Peyrassol Côtes de Provence Rosé - They've been harvesting grapes in this section of Provence since 1256 - that's not the time, that's the year.

Chateau de Pampelonne Côtes de Provence Rosé - Grenache, Cinsault, Syrah.  That's how they roll on the Riviera.

Andrieux & Fils Côtes de Provence Rosé - Looks like salmon, tastes like peaches.  Much better than the other way around.

Domaine de la Fouquette Côtes de Provence Rosé - We really just want to stand behind you and listen while you ask the salesperson for this one.

Wine Tasting Event: Don't Be Afraid Of The Noir

Wine lovers and film fans will converge for a Hollywood Pinot Noir tasting event to celebrate film noir.  Trailers From Hell, Now And Zin and K&L Wines are pouring the Pinot Noir in association with the American Cinematheque's 14th Annual Noir City Film Festival.  Check that link for a full schedule of the films to be featured.

The event - Don't Be Afraid of the Noir - will be held Thursday April 26, 2012 from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. at K&L's Hollywood location, 1400 N. Vine Street.  Tickets cost $15 per person and will be available at the door.

Your hardworking Now And Zin correspondent has been invited to share in the hosting duties, which I have been led to believe involve standing around tasting wine and talking about it some.  That sounds like it’s right up my alley.  Some filmmakers have signed on for that gig as well, notably Dan Ireland, Chris Wilkinson, Adam Rifkin, Brian Trenchard-Smith and TFH chief guru Joe Dante.  Presumably, they were led to believe the job involves standing around tasting wine and talking about movies.

Here are the Pinots which will put us all in the noir mood, examined by our Film Noir Wine Critic, Robert Walter Parker-Neff:

Black Ridge Vineyards Pinot Noir

"Black Ridge is made by ADS Wines, a red stained property in Lodi, owned and operated by the Scotto family.  They have been in the wine business since the 1940's, the heyday of film noir.  Come to think of it, it was the heyday of Lodi, too.  I'm going on the assumption that three generations of Scottos can't be wrong.  That's why they're still there.  The Pinot is soft and pretty, two things a man like me likes, especially when they arrive together.  It's also supple and juicy.  Things are looking up."

Jackhammer Central Coast Pinot Noir

"In a rare moment of clarity, the Los Angeles Times made this one a Wine of the Week.  They say it's all about the grapes, and the grapes for this Pinot come from cool Central Coast sites in the Santa Maria Valley, Santa Barbara County, Santa Lucia Highlands, and Edna Valley.  That's a lot of ground to cover, but you get used to it selling door-to-door.  Aged in French oak barrels older than my suit, JackHammer brings the berries and spices forward with smooth tannins.  That's the way I like my tannins.  Smooth.  The Times calls it "delightful," which is odd because I'm used to hearing them break out the twenty-five cent words.  I'd pair it with a Mike Hammer movie, if you like that sort of thing."

Napa Cellars Napa Valley Pinot Noir

"The grapes for this Pinot Noir come from Napa Cellars' southerly Napa Valley vineyard north of San Pablo Bay.  I used to live there, a little room over a garage.  I couldn't see the grapes from there, but I sure could see the ocean fog.  They say that makes for a long growing season.  You ask me, driving a forklift around a winery for chump change, that makes for a long growing season.  Once, the fog cleared out just enough so I thought I saw Robert Mitchum stomping some grapes to a pulp.  The wine is fruity and accessible, not a bit like Mitchum.  But then nobody is."

Rickshaw Sonoma County Pinot Noir

"This Pinot reminds me of a dame I used to know, drenched in pretty cherry and wild strawberry aromas, accented by hints of clove.  She worked at a farmers market.  The palate is juicy, with a core of red fruit that carries you through to a spice-kissed finish.  Is it getting warm in here, or do I just need a cold beer?"

Windrun San Luis Obispo County Pinot Noir

"Ken Brown made this wine, so now you know why he's in that line of work.  He loves to talk about the cool Burgundian climate of beautiful San Luis Obispo, cool like an ocean breeze.  I think it's more like he's talking about himself, but then, I'm suspicious by nature.  Oh, yeah, the wine.  Full of ripe cherries, raspberries, you know the drill.  One thing I like about it - it's drinkable now with or without food.  Most of the characters I know get along the same way.  I'll take mine with a steak that thick.  But that's how I take my bourbon, too, when I can get it."


Sounds like a great time coming, so get that $15 ready.  Don't Be Afraid of the Noir, Thursday April 26 from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. at K&L Wine, 1400 N. Vine Street in Hollywood.


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