Blood Of The Vines - Movies That Aren't Really Movies

Pairing‌‌‌ ‌‌‌wine‌‌‌ ‌‌‌with‌‌‌ ‌‌‌movies!‌‌‌  ‌‌‌See‌‌‌ ‌‌‌the‌‌‌ ‌‌‌trailers‌‌‌ ‌‌‌and‌‌‌ ‌‌‌hear‌‌‌ ‌‌‌the‌‌‌ ‌‌‌fascinating‌‌‌ ‌‌‌commentary‌‌‌ ‌‌‌for‌‌‌ ‌‌‌these‌‌‌ ‌‌‌‌‌movies‌,‌‌ ‌‌‌and‌‌‌ ‌‌‌many‌‌‌ ‌‌‌more‌,‌‌ ‌‌‌at‌‌‌ ‌‌‌Trailers‌‌‌ ‌‌‌From‌‌‌ ‌‌‌Hell.‌‌‌  This week, a "very special" Blood of the Vines for the celebration of the USA's birthday.  The special that's not really special concerns movies that aren't really movies.  Pass the popcorn.

The 1974 film, Pardon My Blooper, presents the same sort of broadcast "misteaks" compiled by Kermit Schafer in his record albums of years previous.  Schafer probably popularized the word "blooper" - a flub or mistake by an announcer or actor - all by himself.  I had the "Pardon My Blooper" record in my teens, and was often amused by the entertaining cover art depicting a TV camera holding its lens, as if it had been punched in the face, and a radio microphone plugging its ears.  Well, I was easily amused in my teens.  I don't think that even then, the film version of Blooper would have held my interest for ten minutes.  It is amusing, though, to watch the staged segments in this movie.  The bad lighting is the same in all of them, and I think it's even the same actress in about half of them.

Yes, Virginia, the bloopers are phony.  Although Blooper is billed in the credits as a documentary, many of the gaffes were recreated in the studio, with limited casting and awful lighting.  Oh, the humanity.  

Celebrate the 4th of July with many clips of a guy who sounds like a newscaster saying "take a leak," instead of "take a look."  Spoonerisms, transposed words and saying "shitty" instead of "city."  That's blooper comedy, my friend.

You'll need booze to get through this one.  Fortunately, one of the more famous bloopers from early YouTube days concerned Georgia's Château Élan winery.  You can see it by Googling - or Binging, if you prefer - Grape Lady Epic Fail.  The TV reporter was trying to foot-stomp some grapes and took a tumble while doing so.  Try a Chambourcin, since that's what she stomping on when she slipped and fell.

Columbo Meets Scotland Yard was actually just a long TV show.  It aired in 1972 as the Columbo episode, "Dagger of the Mind," as one of the movie-length shows from the series.  This one has the disheveled detective in London, helping to investigate a murder.  What, not enough action in L.A. to suit Columbo?  At least his raincoat finally comes in handy.

Have a Scotch with Columbo, if only because of the meme showing a Columbo lookalike holding a Chivas Regal, under the words "so good if you have something to forget."  Of course, Columbo always remembered, if at the last minute.

Now, more television, as The Meanest Men in the West is actually two episodes of  "The Virginian" from the early '60s, TV's Western Era.  The trailer boasts that "Lee Marvin is mean, Charles Bronson is meaner."  What no mention of Chuck Norris?  The Mean Academy will have something to say about that. 

Is it just me, or was "The Virginian" the only TV series without any hooks at all?  (No offense to Lee J. Cobb fans).  I don't recall any Virginian catch phrases, running jokes, theme song or special episodes, even these two.  On a high note, one of the episodes was written and directed by Samuel Fuller and Charles Grodin appears in the other one.  Well, the series drew some great talent, so someone must have been watching it.

Gotta have a Virginia wine for the mean guys.  Stinson Vineyards makes a tough-guy rosé, from the brawny Tannat grape.  Rosé for The Meanest Men in the West?  That's why they started calling it Brosé, bro. 

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Blood Of The Vines: More Movies You Never Heard Of

Trailers From Hell is featuring more movies you never heard of this week, so my wine selections should be easy pairings - more wines you never heard of.  Wine aficionados and movie buffs say those are the best ones, anyway.  Everybody likes to think they are a cult of one.  In my younger days, music at my place was like "stump the band."  If you had ever heard it anywhere else, it wouldn't find my turntable.  My fondness for Bruce Springsteen's music knew no limits in those years, but diminished with each of my friends who signed on as believers.  Oh, I still liked him as a superstar, it just wasn't the same with everyone else on board. 

Admiral is a 2014 South Korean film, one of the many which did not receive an Academy Award for Best Picture.  The South Korean director who did win mentioned that he would proceed to drink until dawn.  That is something, I am told, directors are sometimes given to do - whether they win an Oscar or not.

Admiral Yi Sun-sin has just 13 battleships against a 300-ship Japanese fleet in the Battle of Myeongryang.  So this is a movie you've never heard of, as well as a movie the details of which you cannot pronounce.  Perhaps it pairs with a Scotch whisky, most of which no one can pronounce, either, like Bunnahabhain.  Or an ornery beer, like Westvleteren 12.  Let's get sweet with a German Riesling classified as Trockenbeerenauslese. 

From 2004, 800 Bullets is a Spanish film by director Álex de la Iglesias.  He is listed further down in the Iglesias Google search than Enrique, Julio and Gabriel combined.  Much further.  A film which is a tip of the Pale Rider hat to Spaghetti westerns should be an easy Italian choice, but hold on, amico.  Those films were shot in Almería, Spain, as was 800 Bullets, just across the Alboran Sea from Morocco.  A wine from the southern reaches of the Iberian peninsula? Sherry, perhaps!  Not unless granny was a stunt double.  Those daredevils deserve a strong, spicy, peppery red wine that lives it up and ages fast.  Break out a cheap Garnacha from anywhere in Spain.  Screwcap!  Action!

Documentaries often appear on lists of movies you haven't seen, and that goes double for non-narrative documentaries like 1992's Baraka.  Maybe you also didn't see the 2012 sequel, Samsara.  Filmed in 23 different countries, Baraka shows image after image after striking image, without many words.  As a wine writer, I am always looking for words to describe what I taste.  Pictures are for marketers, so they can grab your attention on a crowded wine store shelf with kittens and kangaroos and such. 

If you are adventurous enough to watch Baraka, you are probably adventurous enough to seek out the namesake Croatian wine, produced across the Adriatic Sea from Italy.  The Baraka Prisbus Riserva is a Cabernet Sauvignon/Merlot blend that's been in the cellar for three years and sports a very conservative label, sans critters.

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